This report is for the period June 24th to June 30th 2013
What up you glassy-eyed, sweaty-handed, controller-stroking achievement junkies (enjoy the compliments, I so rarely give them out)? It's Deadpool here, taking over from your usual Wookiee host to bring you some numbers and some letters about something or other. As well as some charts and tables of nonsensical nonsenseness, Chewie also left me with a group of little, cute as buttons, mostly naked, teddy-bear people. I presumed they were for target practice, so now they're decorating the Stats office. Chewie will be pleased.Games Started
29,366 TrueAchievements gamers started a total of 50,768 games between them (2,018 different games).
Well, whaddaya know? There I am sitting pretty on everyone else's faces at the top of the Retail table. Heck, snore-fest Fable III
and it can't touch this hotness. Although, I think the number machine might be broken. I'm pretty sure there should be a few more noughts on the end of there. Whatevs! I out shocked BioShock Infinite (Xbox 360)
, Lara can suck it (call me, hot pants!), Far Cry 3
is crying in the corner, and I assassinated Assassin's Creed III
with a katana through the soft bits. I also absolutely love that over-crowded DC punch-fest, Injustice: Gods Among Us
, sits so far down below the marvellous Marvel man himself (me).
I DON'T CARE THAT THEY WERE ALL RELEASED MONTHS AGO! I WIN!!!!Top Retail Games Started
'I am not Spartacus. But that guy is.'
That's how that scene would've gone if was in it. Much stronger dramatically, I feel. I was actually pretty peeved that no one called me to use my washboard abz and mad gladiatorial skillz for the Starz seriez tie-in game. Oh well, an oiled-up 10,000 of you let that little oversight slide to put Spartacus Legends
at the top of Arcade. What's that? Oh, right, it's also free. So that explains that.
I'm not sure what the big deal is with 'Magic'. Magic gets fools messed up. I mean look at Dr Strange
. Dude's got some screws loose. And did no one see that one movie where Batman, Wolverine and Ziggy Stardust fight each other with magic and it gets so crazy that Bowie becomes a Russian? Oh, wait. It's just a dorky card game called Magic 2014 - Duels of the Planeswalkers
? That's much safer, then. And cooler. *raised eyebrow*
When people aren't messing around with magic, apparently they're loving to get stuff cheap or for free. I try that myself with every hooker I meet. Never works. Free junk like Doritos Crash Course 2
, Harms Way
and Happy Wars (Xbox 360)
all land on the table. As does LIMBO (Xbox 360)
, thanks to a sweet Deal of the Week
(the only one from nine whole discounted games) and Guardian Heroes
from last week's SEGA sale
What's with all the zombie love too? I count three undead-related games up there: State of Decay
, The Walking Dead (Xbox 360)
and Minecraft: Xbox 360 Edition
. Ok, so technically that last one isn't a 'zombie' game, unless you count me feeling like turning into one after playing it for approximately 15 seconds. It's just freaking blocks! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.Top Arcade Games Started
How have I never gone on a Jetpack Joyride (WP)
before? Four weeks since it was released to Windows Phone, you all seem to be very familiar with the ins, outs, ups and downs of it, because there it is at the top still.
How have I never experimented with physics using gerbils? Unless you count [EXPLICIT CONTENT REMOVED]. Although, I suppose that's more biology. A Deal of the Week puts the little critters of Gerbil Physics (WP)
into second place.
How have I never...Koo...Zac...ed? Nah, I'm drawing a blank. Apparently it's some numbers game. And everyone knows numbers are probably the most tedious thing on the planet apart from one of Prof X's 'equality for mutants' yawn-fest speeches.Top Windows Phone Games StartedGames Completed
7,738 TrueAchievements gamers completed a total of 10,700 games between them (1,317 different games).
How is that the longest bar on these tables?! They promised me I'd have the longest bar!! Pffft. Borderlands 2 (Xbox 360)
. Tiny Tina DLC
. 1,600 completions. Whatever.
I thought you guys were all supposed to be super extreme twitchy hardcore gamer types. But you can't even complete my game that easily, can you n00bs? That's right. I challenge you. I challenge your skills. I challenge your values. And I challenge your ability to hold down food by waving my junk in your face. Only 79 true gamers managed to complete my game in the first week. It would have been 80, but I cut off his feet
he fell at the last hurdle.Top Retail Games Completed
Zombie power! Man, you guys like zombies. State of Decay
and The Walking Dead
tear apart the rest of the table and dine on their still warm innards. Delish.
How did more card-laying Magic
dweebs beat that snore-fest than my action-filled, boob-packed, gun-bulging extravaganza? I weep for humanity.Top Arcade Games Completed
I seriously need to go on a jetpack joyride. Like right this second. Normally: jetpacks everywhere. But where are all the jetpacks at when you're desperate to take one on a joyride?UNO (WP)
!?! Freaking, UNO
!?! So when you weren't beating Magic
, you were beating UNO
? What's the world coming to when people choose to play card games on their videogames. That's like going to a movie about someone reading a book.Top Windows Phone Games CompletedAchievements Won
62,776 TrueAchievements gamers won a total of 707,536 achievements online between them (50,152 different achievements).
How tiny is this Tina exactly? Doesn't have to kneel down tiny? Scurry all over you tiny? Fits inside the protective cup tiny? I'm not fussy. You guys must love her too, because you gots all the achievements with her.Top Retail Achievements WonSpartacus
cuts off a mean slice of achievements here, so the Magic
nerds have to settle for the bottom two places. Hah. HAH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Yes, I'm still bitter.Top Arcade Achievements Won
Two gerbils get stuck up inside the jetpack's inner workings and stop it from taking all the spots on the table. You should see the X-Ray. Hoo-eee!! They're really jammed up there.Top Windows Phone Achievements WonTotal TrueAchievements won by Genre
Apparently having the awesomest Action game on the market and doubling the genre's numbers doesn't give you enough cred to move it up the table in these parts, so it still sits behind the big three losers, Role-Playing, Action-Adventure and Shooter. Role-Playing takes the lead thanks to apparently not-so-tiny Tina.
Card & Board does make it onto the table, but in *snigger* eighth place. IN YO FACE!!
Well that was two hours of my life I'll never get back. And I'm immortal, so two hours usually doesn't mean that much to me. Oooooo, jetpack's just arrived. I'm off to take it on a joyride around a gaditorial arena with my new catch, Tina, and then we're going to play some Pokémon. I'm going to destroy her. My Poké Balls are full to bursting. What? It's so much cooler than Magic. Screw you guys!