Alteric Reviews

1,161,474 (611,800)
TA Score for this game: 1,248
Posted on 30 March 18 at 10:58, Edited on 30 March 18 at 22:39
This review has 47 positive votes and 5 negative votes. Please log in to vote.
Guys, guys, guys... Remember when I liked women?

Well, I no longer do, and Alteric has everything to do with it.

Have you ever accidentally sprayed a Neosporin in your mouth because you thought it was one of those Listerine packages? Have your friends ever forced you to drink a cottage cheese margarita? Have you ever licked a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild? All of these fates taste sweeter than the rancid pootstank of Alteric.

Alteric is a 2D platformer where you play as a white square. You can jump, double jump, switch between worlds, and create a clone of yourself. The developers of Alteric have completely failed at making any of these simple concepts work. It's as if the default option of whatever game maker they had open (probably RPG Maker 3) was to leave every function of the game completely broken. The game should've been called Arcteric at that rate.

The main character (let's call him Obscenity since just a few of those flew out of my mouth while playing this) has an affinity for sliding all over the place whenever you move around. If you move the stick or touch the D-pad just the smallest amount, his movement will span the entire length of Texas. He also grunts whenever you jump kinda like Serena Williams playing tennis. I had to mute the sound when his grunts interfered with my emulations of Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet. Then I heard Awoo sounding like he was forcing a turd out after being constipated for a month and proceeded to quiet down.

The jumping is like trying to talk to your crush. It feels awkward, it somehow manages to instantly cover your body in sweat, and it leaves you in a state of catatonia. There is no getting used to the platforming in this game, so just be glad it finishes faster than Dang3R Gaming. It doesn't help that the hitboxes of the saw blades extend for a mile beyond their model. Nothing feels better than lining up a jump perfectly only to realize you didn't account for the blank space that just killed you.

I really enjoy the dimension switching mechanic. It's always great to press cn_X and just immediately get killed by a hazard you didn't see before. The clone mechanic is even better. When Obscenity is flopping around in the air like a baseball thrown by 50 Cent, you can press cn_Y to spawn a diamond in the air where you wanted a square to be. Did I forget to mention that you automatically slide down slopes in this game? It's like when you snowboard for the first time and forget that gravity is a thing.

Oh yeah, there's also a gravity mechanic in this game! You jump on these buttons that flip gravity... unless you land on them and they do nothing... or you land on them and you start tumbling and completely lose control... or you just miss the jump completely because you stopped touching your controller but Obscenity kept going.

My rage came to a head at Level 24. After the air kept killing me, I sprayed a bunch of chloraseptic on my controller to see if that would stop the slippery controls. When this didn't work, I punted my controller at my TV, but luckily, I turned into Blair Walsh, and the controller merely dinged the mini-fridge. That level is really cool because you go through 95% of it before you hit the checkpoint.

Speaking of the checkpoints, they really drive home (good song) one of the biggest problems of this game, which is that the developers seem to forget about the mechanics they've taken from the RPG Maker 3 assets. Every now and then, I would forget that I could switch dimensions, and that's probably because there are stretches of levels where the mechanic is useless. Additionally, the checkpoints are rarely used. You get like 7 of them in Level 6 and 4 more throughout the rest of the game.

The absolute best part about this game is the music. It's a loop of whatever music clip was listed first in RPG Maker 3. It reminded me of that Thunder song Arc keeps singing incessantly because both are repetitive and synonymous with my most depressive thoughts. When I see how many views Thunder has, I think that maybe Alteric isn't the worst thing ever.

Then I remember that Alteric is the worst thing ever. It's even worse than Four-Sided Fantasy and Young Sheldon combined. Surely, being a Cleveland Browns fan can't be so bad, for I have seen the horrors of Alteric. This game's genre voting is open right now, and Survival Horror is probably a more appropriate classification than Platformer.

The achievements of this game are also pretty cool. I beat level 6 with no deads, and I jumped up to 4000 times. I also like how they threw in a Thomas Was Alone cameo. This game almost wiped my memory clean of good games.

This review would be incomplete if I didn't talk about the final boss. The final boss is the culmination of what happens when you send a game to a publisher after the compiler gives you a fatal error message. I'm willing to bet 25 Quid that this game was not tested. The final boss feels a lot like the final boss of Ink. It's a bunch of RNG lasers combined with trying to walk on ice while covered in clarified butter. There are more ways for the final boss to glitch on you than there are things to do in Sea of Thieves. Let's go through them.

1. The lasers can spawn in places that are impossible to escape from
2. The orbs that spawn the lasers can spawn in places that are impossible to escape from
3. The air can still kill you
4. Sometimes, the boss can kill you. Other times, he can't
5. Every now and then, the boss becomes invincible, and you can't damage any of his weak spots. This requires you to exit to the menu
6. Dying after killing the boss results in a permanent explosion animation
7. If you don't kill the boss while the orbs are spinning around him, you are stuck and need to restart the level

That last one is the king of them all. You have to deliberately kill the boss with the final hit at a time where you shouldn't be anywhere near him. I want to say this is the developers leaving some default setting checked because that's the case for the rest of the game, but I feel like this was intentional. My friends and I tend to call various games the worst game ever made, but we're rarely ever serious. We always knew there was something worse out there. Today, our fears were answered. Alteric is the worst game ever made. This game is the psychological equivalent of paying $5 to live in solitary confinement for 10 years. This game is what drives people to do things like exile themselves to Runescape for all eternity. Surely, this must have been intentional. Surely, one developer must have realized that one game had to be the worst of the worst, which is why we are here today. If Alteric is a grain of sand, then Ninjabread Man is a meteor the size of Russia.

My limbs are frozen and my body is starved, but I do not fear the affliction. For I have been hurt by something far worse, Alteric.

Also Batman
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