No More Heroes: Heroes' Paradise Reviews

  • Quantum BinmanQuantum Binman254,136
    04 Sep 2014 04 Sep 2014
    20 5 4
    So I am bored (as usual when writing a review here) and thought a "choose your own adventure" style would be interesting (?) for a review.

    You will need:
    1) A good level of mental arithmetic*
    2) The ability to read (Pro tip: eyes are really helpful here!)
    3) Something to use so that you can read this review (a pc or smart phone should suffice)

    *I spoke with the TA Investigations Manager and he/she said that the use of a calculator will not result in any tracking removal... yay!




    STAGE 1:

    Q) Did that video seem interesting to you?
    > YES = +1 point
    > NO = 0 points


    STAGE 2:
    Q) Does violence in video games offend you?
    > YES = -1,252 points
    > NO = +1 point


    STAGE 3:
    Q) If you bought a working lightsaber on the internet, would you become an assassin?
    > YES = +371 points
    > NO = 0 points


    STAGE 4:
    Q) Does the idea of charging a lightsaber by moving it in a masturbatory manner seem a little disturbing to you?
    > YES = 0 points
    > NO = 0 points (but please look yourself in the mirror and ask why)


    STAGE 5:
    Q) Have you ever dreamt of doing the following activities in a video game:
    - Cutting grass?
    - Removing graffiti?
    - Collecting stray cats?
    >YES = 1 point each
    >NO = 0 points


    STAGE 6:
    Have you ever enjoyed a Suda 51 game?
    > YES = +51 points
    > NO (I have never played one) = 0 points
    > NO (I hate his games) = -51 points


    STAGE 7:
    Does the idea of a boss dying in a cutscene before the fight (so you don't need to fight them) sound interesting?
    > YES = +1 point
    > NO = 0 points


    STAGE 8:
    Have you ever wanted an achievement for taking a shit on every toilet?
    > YES = +1 point (seriously???)
    > NO = 0 points


    STAGE 9:
    Do you enjoy games that crash from time to time?
    > YES = buy a mac for gaming
    > NO = -16 points
    (PRO TIP: Taking a shit often in game is a good idea)


    STAGE 10:
    Do you enjoy games that have a deep layer of symbolism beneath the surface?
    > YES = + 982038454 points
    > NO = -1 point


    TOTAL OFFICIAL REVIEW SCORE:
    2876487/5
    5.0
    Showing most recent comments. View all comments.
    EdibleMessiahReverse thumbs down, review was interesting. Shame.

    Also double reverse thumbs down for having me use basic math skills.
    Posted by EdibleMessiah on 04 Sep 14 at 03:34
    Zenn PThumbs up for creativity.
    Posted by Zenn P on 30 Oct 14 at 14:48
    Maxterfeak3hi; the game is region free?? THANKS if you answer; i searched a LOT
    Posted by Maxterfeak3 on 11 Apr 19 at 08:11
  • WestsideSxEWestsideSxE505,162
    08 Jan 2014
    10 2 4
    No More Heroes has had a very convoluted history - initially a Wii exclusive released in late 2007/early 2008, this Suda 51 helmed Grasshopper game made heavy use of the Wiimote interface (your weapon is a blatant lightsaber ripoff). While having reasonable sales in the west, the game tanked hard in Japan. 2 years later, ports for the 360 and PS3 were released in Japan in spring 2010, now with a "normal" controller interface. Ubisoft, who published the original (and sequel) title in the west declined to translate and/or publish these revamped ports. Oddly, Konami eventually stepped in, optioned ONLY the PS3 version, patched in PS Move support (for all intents and purposes reverting it to the initial Wii style), and released it in the west in late summer 2011, where it quickly fell into the dump bin.

    Thus leaving this 360 port a somewhat obscure Japanese exclusive.

    For those unfamiliar with the story, you play as Travis Touchdown, a completely self unaware nerd obsessed with anime and wrestling, who one day decides he's going to be the top assassin in the world. In this world, 'assassins' seem to be more like Batman supervillians or crime lords. And there's some sort of global assassin ranking system, wherein you need to pay exorbitant fees to courtesan-esque woman to take a crack at the next assassin. How do you get the required money, you ask? Why, by driving around the 'town' of Santa Destroy in a pseudo-but-not-even-close freeroam mode on your motorcycle, and do odd jobs like mowing strangers' lawns. Or finding cash and new clothes in random dumpsters and alleys. Hey, I said it was a Suda 51 game, mang.

    Lets not mince words - this is a sub-par port with severely crippled controls. Players with little to no Japanese reading ability (like me) will be easily lost when reaching segments where performing X move is required to continue, and that's not even factoring in when the engine itself is fighting against the player. When I first popped the game in I had to restart the initial tutorial 4x as you have to finish off one of the goons with a specific move, yet they were all dead on the ground by that point.

    The controls feel incredibly clunky in combat, as your weapon of choice is a lightsaber knockoff. The main reason I finally caved and got a Japanese 360 was to be able to play this game without the tedious and not the least bit subtle "masturbate the Wiimote to recharge your sword" mechanic (with corresponding in-game animation), but getting the game to dodge, let alone swing the sword enough to require a recharge is a task in itself.

    It's an amazing game, just not this version. You can't hold not being able to read what you're being told to do against it (if applicable), but you sure as hell can blame it for piss poor control...
    2.0
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