Zombie Pinball Reviews

  • C64 MatC64 Mat1,104,321
    09 May 2018 03 Jun 2018
    36 1 30
    Oh my good lord.

    This is the third game in a 'trilogy' of pinball tables created by Shine Research. Somehow, against all odds, the developer has managed to take it's buggy, barely working, bland, amateur and excruciatingly painful template and make it even worse than their previous 1/10 efforts.

    Let's forget for a moment that these pinball tables are fundamentally broken - mispronounced voice overs, balls spawning outside of tables, multiballs which can be abused to completely break the scoring system, physics which are seemingly built on an RNG - and talk about the unique design principles of this reprehensible stinky carcass, aptly named Zombie Pinball.

    First off, the table unlock scheme is ridiculous. Previously, you simply had to 'win' a table to move onto the next one, by lighting up all the ramps through multiple shots. This time, you can't 'complete' tables. You go through all the random modes until they recycle, which would be more akin to traditional pinball, with missions and a Wizard mode, except here every table has the same exact series of random modes to pick from. To unlock tables now, your score is homogenised into 'Blood Points' through some invisible algorithm, which are stored on your save and spent to unlock the tables. Well, not spent exactly - you reach a predetermined amount to unlock the next table. This means that instead of mastering a specific pinball table to unlock the next one, you mindlessly grind again and again doing the same thing on the same table until you have enough Blood Points to move on. *Yawn*.

    Secondly, Shine Research commit the cardinal pinball sin: They cover up parts of the playable field with 2D artwork. Animated 2D artwork. As tall as the fucking screen. Want to see where your ball is travelling along a particular ramp? Well tough titties, because an undead's eyeball is dangling over that bit, completely obscuring it from view. I mean why? WHY? How in God's name could they have played it and thought "That's what we need! Shitty drawings covering up the table"?

    Speaking of table design, the second table is the worst. Both the mission hole, requiring repeated hits to activate the many highscoring game modes and the only realistic way to keep multiballs going and head for the 100,000,000 points achievement, leads the ball straight back down the drain between the flippers. But don't worry, because you don't have to hit it dead on: It's encased in a little symmetrical curve, meaning you can easily access it from what would be a near-miss shot. So, instead of shooting straight for the target and draining the ball, you can shoot to the left and send it around the curve. This also drains the ball. Hit it around the right however, and you... Drain the ball. But it's ok! Outside of these are two ramps you can use to build up combos. Or you could, if they didn't drain the ball. Both of them.

    So that's five essential shots you need to make on the second table, which all flush the ball straight down the shitter.

    There's also a challenge mode which completionists should be aware of: A series of challenges created by a masochist in a bad mood, for putting in twice the effort that you normally would to complete a table in the normal mode. The very first challenge is also on the ball-draining (not in a good way) table I mention above. That's also the same table where the dangling eyeball will obscure your view.

    This is the first time I've ever been actually angry about a purchase - I've bought some shit, I've reviewed some shit, but this... I actually feel, for the first time in thirty years of gaming, like I deserve my money back. Or punching the developer in the face and taking my money back. And setting fire to his house.

    Shine Research have achieved the unthinkable: 3 games, one cup. One huge stein full of the foulest tasting, most ill coloured, odious, nasty, poisonous, shittiest of shit smeared shit, encased in shit.

    And this is the worst of the three, but that's a little like picking which Gwyneth Paltrow* film you hate the most. For this, take the first two abysmal games in the series, cover them in shit, feed it to a camel which shits it out, eat it yourself, shit it back out, and smear it on a child's face. That's how bad this game is. The ultimate shittiness of shit. More shit-eating than The Human Centipede 3.

    Total, and utter, shit.

    *Ethics statement: On the off-chance that Gwyneth reads this, I'd just like to say that your children also have stupid names.
    Showing most recent comments. View all comments.
    JumboWarioNot sure if anyone else noticed this, but if you're inactive for more than like 5 minutes the screen goes white and you can't get out of it unless you force close the game headspin
    Posted by JumboWario on 10 May 18 at 14:35
    Inspector 74A true masterpiece of a review man I can almost 'taste' youre 'anger, I love it and especially the comparison to Gwyneth Paltrow you see unlike the pathetic ex Mrs Coldplay who I think is wetter than watching wet Wet Wet on a rainy day in a waterpark you sir have talent hahahaha!!! Brilliant work mate
    Posted by Inspector 74 on 10 May 18 at 14:50
    KenzibitWoow...what a perfect review. The developers will commit suicide when they read this, this game needs to be free. Anyways thanks @Mataeus for this eye opener and a wonderful read, you just made me laugh hard😆😆👌
    Posted by Kenzibit on 11 May 18 at 16:59
    KenzibitWoow...what a perfect review. The developers will commit suicide when they read this, this game needs to be free. Anyways thanks @Mataeus for this eye opener and a wonderful read, you just made me laugh hard😆😆👌
    Posted by Kenzibit on 11 May 18 at 20:41
    iiTs HawkI love every review this guy writes
    Posted by iiTs Hawk on 12 May 18 at 00:42
    C64 MatWow, thank you everyone. Your kindness is overwhelming!
    Posted by C64 Mat on 13 May 18 at 09:08
    wookieepuppyGreat review.

    Thank you for saving me the princely sum of £3.99.
    Posted by wookieepuppy on 13 May 18 at 22:47
    C64 MatYou're welcome! Unlike the other 2 games in the series, it's not even got reasonably easy achievements. The tables are so broken, you'll be killing yourself and you family Amityville style before you finish the challenges.
    Posted by C64 Mat on 14 May 18 at 12:53
    Any dislike of Gwyneth Paltrow is aces in my book
    Posted on 22 May 18 at 10:52
    Punk NineI thought Quantic Pinball was a mess. I was gonna buy Zombie Pinball so I could get 100% on all 3, but I feel like Mataeus has helped me dodge a bullet.
    Posted by Punk Nine on 03 Jun 18 at 07:35