shotgun reviews 4: when you expect someone in parking lot, but realize Richard Kiel is dead
Fifa England vs Croatia
Impressions: BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA wonder how many Irish Kisses (that's drunkenly decking your old woman in the face) were being handed out a few nights ago
Completion: Well the World Cup trophy does look like a testicle. Its only natural the Brits surrender whatever remaining manhood they have left. The only thing that seems to be "coming home, lads" is Neville Chamberlain style pacifism.
Note: I thought Brexit was supposed to be the UK separating from the EU politically, not competitively on the soccer field by being a bunch of losers.Murdered: Soul Suspect
Impressions: Double dipped on this bad boi. 360 and One versions. Based on the fact the game became bargain bin fodder just about everywhere shortly after its release, I was expecting to play a pile of crap. Surprisingly, it turns out to be not so bad. Its actually pretty inspired. No idea why the Japanese at Squeenix were like, "you know what we need to make? a game about the Salem witch trials set in the modern age!" because here we are! Very weird game. The actual 'game' bits are all stealth. Its a lot like Metal Gear Solid in that respect, except instead of choking out dudes, you're murdering ghosts. I don't get it either. The ending is very.... erm. Weak? The work up was pretty good, and the ending is 'oopsie it was you, but its not your fault'
Completion: Takes @7 hours with a guide. Easy. The biggest worry and annoyance are collectibles. There are so many!
Note: Game prophesied Gamer Gate. It was The Adam's Family's Wednesday all along! And you remove her from gaming by killing her ghost like a true gamer gate mysogynistDoom
Impressions: I actually enjoyed the campaign quite a bit. The Doom remake is very arcadey. It encourages fast reckless play; none of this 'get into cover' bullshit like all FPS and TPS games now. One of the finer bits of this game is the narrative which, I almost want to write a full blog entry about. But its been over a year since I played it, so its not so fresh in my mind. The inspiration for the game seems to grounded in contemporary religious myth. You've got the 3 main characters: Doomguy: literally an unstoppable force of nature that exists to murder demons. His role is cleaning up the demon mess. Smarty Pants Woman: driven by some sort of obsession to release the demons from Hell to the point she loses her humanity and becomes one herself. Her role is to create the demon mess. Robot King Guy: pragmatic manipulator. He's actually using both Doomguy and Smarty Pants Woman to not just access the demon realm, but attain the means to become its king. And he does so without getting his hands dirty or risking his own neck; just calculated sacrifices of his business/industry.
Completion: The campaign stuff can be done in a few days. The more time consuming part is on-line stuff where its too annoying and difficult to do some of the DLC achievements legit. The online connection tends to be trash (at leat it was for me), and people tend to be too good.
Note: Wormywaffles told me this game is boring. No! YOU'RE boring! YOU! I also wasted @$30 on the DLC which is now free. Thanks, Todd. Jerkass.Schrodinger's Cat and the Raiders of the Lost Quark
Impressions: No! No no nononononononon NO! I could not stand this insufferable shit. This is the worst indie game. It's trying to be "intellectual" and "edumicated" with the kids using a very weak grasp on physics related to subatomic particles. Its trying to be 'scientifically trendy' by being yet another dumbass thing to use the Schrodinger's Cat experiment (an impossible to prove theorem without ruining the experiment - that's what Shrodinger's Cat is) by turning it into an obnoxious smarmy sarcastic 90's style video game mascot that sounds like Aziz Ansari. The actual game itself is terrible and frustrating. Its poorly designed with annoying mechanics. Your abilities require gathering a stockpile of particles and some of the later stages only give you the bare minimum. All the particles are taken away if you touch a checkpoint and then you wind up getting stuck. This game is just a monumental pile of garbage. The people who made this game should be lined up and shot by a firing squad I hate this game so much. You... You people... OOOOhhh! I hate you! I hate you so much for this game.
Completion: it can be done in a day, but Jesus Christ I almost gave up on this game. It was doing its best to make me stop playing. THANKFULLY you don't have to beat the game to 1k it.
Impressions: Oh hey, look! Its another FUCKING INDIE game about SCIENCE LIKE THEY'RE ALL TRYING TO BE BRAID OR SOMETHING!!!!1 Can you not?? Please. Just stop. Video games don't need to be pretentious, ok? Anyhow. This is a color based platform puzzle game. I'll say I wound up enjoying this and I resisted using a guide for the most part. Some of the later puzzles get real tricky and I did have to surrender to using a guide. Its a pretty good game. The only real problem I had with Hue was the same problem everyone else has: 2 of the fucking colors it gives you look almost exactly the same. Its hard to distinguish which is which.
Completion: Can be done in a day. Easy. Guides are available to give solutions if you get stuck.
Note: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/huahuehuahueGrim Legends: The Forsaken Bride
Impressions: looool, its an artifex mundi game! All these guys make are hidden object games. Hahahah!! Ahhhh! Hidden object games. WTF am I even doing with my life? Kill me. :(
Completion: Easy. But I feel the TA guide is wrong on the completion time. Took me a little over a day and a half. Have to do 2 complete playthroughs.
Note: I played this stupid game to find out some dumb bitch is a closeted furry and has a bear fetish? Can I have my money back? Actually, no. Rather can someone please purge the human race of this crap?Sniper Ghost Warrior 2
Impressions: I didn't mean to start this game. I actually selected it by mistake on my 360. Wound up getting me to play it. This is actually a pretty interesting game. And its pretty inconsistent. Ghost Warrior 2 is very stealth oriented to the point you can completely pass through entire areas without engaging anyone. In fact, you can run through areas sometimes. Other times you can't. At all. Some are scripted in a way you can't avoid engagement. These parts get real tedious and obnoxious. And the worst part, the absolute worst, is there will be one guy someplace somewhere on the map who keeps making your sniper sense go nuts, but you can't see him and he's not giving his presence away by shooting at you because his AI has glitced out. The other noteworthy aspect is the attempt to place heavy emphasis on physics for the sniper shots; bullet drop, wind, distance, etc. While neat, this attempt at realism makes the game super annoying (I say this, because I played on the hardest difficulty which removes the indicator for where the bullet will go). I had some fun with this game, but overall I found it to be very meh. Didn't really care for it.
Completion: Can be frustrating, but doable. Can be done in about 2 days.
Note: Thanks to S-ranking all day for knocking out the online crap. Need to buy the DLC now. Lost: Via Domus
Impressions: Hey, its that game everyone plays for an easy 1k and all my friends on my friends list who noticed me playing it sent me messages telling me I'm a gamer score whore because that's the sort of reputation this game has. As it turns out, this game took longer and was harder than most of the shit indie games I've played over the past year. Still, it is somewhat easy. The cave bits however can fuck right off. I like how they couldn't get all the actors from the show to voice their own characters. The game is boring and shallow. I have to give Ubisoft credit trying to make it like the TV show, but it mostly fails. This game sucks. Like most of what Ubisoft makes, its a cheap cash in.
Completion: with a guide, can be done in 6-7 hours.
Note: I like how you're on a tropical island, but the birds used for the ambient sounds are all birds from the North American Midwest. If the game were fresh in my mind, I'd even list which ones they used lol.Omega Five
Impressions: Its a Natsume twin stick shooter. Its pretty standard fare for a Japanese side scrolling schmup. To be honest, it kind of grew on me. Game is super short and mostly easy. Its sort of weird that enemies shit pink triangles all over the place when they die.
Completion: Can be done in a day, but requires skill.
Toby: The Secret Mine
Impressions: eh, another newgrounds feeling free to play flash game. was expecting to play some gawd awful simple as shit 'my first' indie game, but this actually turned out to be relatively competent and straight to the point puzzle platformer. To give Toby some context: its like Limbo but without the artsy fartsy visual asthetic, good controls, and more traditional level design. Unfortunately its so short and so unremarkable, its a play it, beat it, and toss it game.
Completion: short and easy as fuck. within 2 hours w/a guide
Impressions: Yay. A walking simulator. Oh no, little boy, don't run off into the theme park! oh no! so spooooooky! I have to ride the rides? OH NO! NOT THAT! TWO SPOOPY 5 ME!
Completion: AS TO BE EXPECTED: SUPER SHORT AND EASY (with a guide)
Note: I know this game was written by a chick. Why do females always insist on using psychosis or mental disorders as a plot device to make things 'spooky'. Why do they think that's scary? Unless... Unless they're trying to say that you're nuts, and that's the angle they're using to explain why the creepy spooky pyramid head like squirrel is stalking you. No. No its not. It would require actual creativity and talent to come up with something like that. This game sucks. Fuck you. Get out of here with these shit walking simulators! Damn! They're crap! No, for real. This is The Park's spook factor level:
Crypt of the Serpent
Impressions: really crappy low budget first person randomized dungeon crawler. forgettable.
Completion: I can't remember if I did this in a day or not. Its not that hard once you get a feel for the game.
Note: game costs like $2.Syberia 2
Impressions: Point and click game. Again, if game were fresher in my mind, I'd probably have more to say. This 'sequel' feels like less of a continuation, and more of an expansion to the first. Like stuff they intended to finish off the first game with but had to cut due to limited money/time/resource. Its shorter than the first game, but its a continuation of whoever's spirit quest and has a really weird interpretive ending.
Completion: There's an achievement for beating the game within 6 hours. Easily done even following a guide.
Note: Why do Germans and other parts of Europe love these games so much? Its impossible to make progress without a fucking guide. The fuck is wrong with those people?Dark
Impressions: OMFG, Kalypso, publishing low quality no budget mediocraty be thy name. They literally attempted to make a vampire themed take on Metal Gear Solid. I've got to give the devleopment team credit for trying, but got DAYUM is this game a dumpster fire: bad controls, terrible story, awful AI. Its terrible! But it somehow comes together as a playable game without completely falling apart. There's an Asian term "kusoge". It means "shit game". Dark is a kusoge. I want to compare this game to Vampire Rain, but VP is an unsurmountable foe in the kusoge department.
Completion: Easy, can be done in a day, but wow is the game terrible.
Note: I like how when you bite someone on the neck, it looks like you're gently nibbling them. Better is the sounds where I guess they wanted you to sound like a beast or something, but instead the growling noises sound like you have an upset stomach and are either going to puke or have the hershey sqiurts (diarrhea)Goosebumps: The Game
Impressions: VIDEO GAMERS BEWARE, YOU'RE IN FOR A SCARE!! OOKY AND SPOOOOOOKY!!! MUHUHUHWAHAHAHAAAAAA!!1 Double dipped this one. 360 and One versions. This was made as a tie-in for the movie. Its a traditional point and click to the point where you won't be able to figure out what the hell you're doing unless you have a guide. I imagine if you read or watched Goosebumps as a kid, this might serve as the ultimate fan service referencing a ton of the stories. Even though I just played this for a dirty quick 1k GS, I didn't hate it.
Completion: Easy, short, can be done in a few hours. TA walkthrough is a little lacking, but gets the job done. 2 problem areas: the mall cop is randomized and can be a PITA. The achievement for unique deaths on the 360 version is glitchy and you need a few extra deaths.
Note: Speaking about the movie here: seeing the trailer, Goosebumps case across like it had a premise that couldn't fail. And I saw it, and I didn't like it. If it just Blacked the Jack up a moment and didn't give him so much exposure. He plays like 4 characters for Christ sake! WTF! The most amusing thing though is that they cast Jack Black as R.L. Stein, and (I'm probably going to get booted from the site for saying this) Stein is maybe the jewiest jew that ever jewed. Look at a picutre of the dude. The man has about as much charisma as Ben Stein. Actually, you know what? Fuck Goosebumps. They should bring back Bone Chillers. That show was fucking awesome. There was an episode where a gorrilla had a crush on someone at the school and was murdering people to protect its object of affection. This should happen.Stick it To The Man
Impressions: Fuck it, I liked this game! Its a quirky off beat puzzle/platformer. Its not hard. Very generous. Enjoyable
Completion: Quick and easy. Can be done in a day. Some are tricky, but you can restart the level for another try.
Note: pick it, stick it, flick it to the man, manMinecraft: Story Mode
Impressions: another telltales game. Out of all the telltale games I've played, this has got to be the most unusual. First off, voice acting. Its got Patton Oswald (I don't get this guy. funny, but jesus christ give the ultra left leaning SJW bilge a rest, asshole), Corey Feldman, Sean Astin (in a bit role. what's with this dude not wanting to be in the spotlight?), Paul Reubens (TV's Pee Wee Herman), Billy West (!!!!), Phil Lamarr, and Jim Cummings. These are the names I recognize. Its quite a lineup. The game itself is strange. The game its based on is meant for everyone. But the story this game tells gets real dark real fast. Like I'd be worried young kids would get fucked up and wind up with ptsd or something. Anyway, this is an unusual Telltale game since they added 3 additional chapters on the original 5. The extra 3 are pretty fucked up. Dark and cynical. The one with the computer controlling everyone is simultaneously great and disturbing at the same time. Anyway, out of all the Telltale games I've played, this one maybe near the top. It started off as a tough sell, but once things got rolling, it grew on me.
Completion: slow, but easy and doable, but the first 3 chapters have a single missable achievement. The 2nd chapter you need to do a partial playthrough for the missable one.
Note: Game features the voice of Jim Cummings. He's another voice actor who, when he dies, like half the Disney universe is going to die with him. No shit, the guy does like every other voice for Disney damn near. You remember the Disney afternoon? Welp, imagine if the cartoon characters he voiced died with him. You'd have a pile of about 20 cartoon corpses from DA alone. No joke.Claire: Extended Cut
Impressions: Oh my god, get this over priced piece of cliched shit away from me. I already wrote my feelings on The Park, and this is the same damn thing but in 2d and far more frustrating. Not a fun game. I'm tired of how every tom, dick, and harry who can put two lines of code together can fart out a halfassed, buggy game like this and have the nerve to ask money for it (in this case $15. $15!!! NO!). There's a glitch where the difficulty and mode will switch on you if you quit and load a save. I don't think that's ever been fixed. And when you play on the harder mode, you can run out of items since its nearly impossible to avoid the stupid ghost enemies and deal with the stupid panic mechanic. This game is a real mess.
Completion: its doable. the game is short, but a frustrating mess that will try your patience. if the difficulty glitch is still present, you will have to do a playthrough in one sitting.
Note: seriously, girls think "like omigod, like the main character is like crazy or something and in the hopsital and everything is like dark is scary or something? and then its like your mom in a bed or something? isn't that like scary" no! NO! Your lack of creativity is scary!Interpol: The Trail of Dr. Chaos
Impressions: Bought this during the huge backwards compatability sale awhile ago. Wow! A hidden item game on the 360! Who knew?
Completion: short and mostly easy. given the random nature of this game, some of the stages are tricky. some of the things you need to find are bullshit as well (the lab is the worst) you need a 2nd controller to get all the achievements. the one achievement that's a bitch to get is the timed one.
Note: you want a perfect example of how upscaling works with better hardware, this is the perfect game. The difference between playing this on 360 and the One is like night and day. Visuals look crip and clear on the One version. Playing on the 360, it looks like someone sneezed on the screen the resolution is so bad.******intermission*******
ah spense, you know you shouldn't do this. don't really have a choice. there's a cloud of bees out there and I gotta skate or die
Last entry, I reflected on Revenge of Shinobi, and now I want to follow up with another game. So sit back and allow me to spin you a yarn on the days of yesteryear about some shitty old game no one cares about:
Retro Review!Shadow Dancer (Sega Genesis)
Impressions: First off, reason I selected this game is because it, like Revenge of Shinobi, has a memorable soundtrack. Take a listen:
Back in the day before FPS games, a 'shooter' meant a vertical or side scrolling shoot em up. Rarely would you run into the alternative 'light gun game' shooter, those existed too. The closest thing resembling a 3d first person shooter so many are familiar with today would be the side scrolling platforming shooter. A game like contra. (shutupshutupshutup, don't mention Super Spy or Dynamite Duke). One such game was called Shinobi. Shinobi's lead, Joe Musashi, was a dude far ahead of his time. He didn't shoot bullets, he shot throwing stars. And his shit operated by Newton's 1st law of motion: that shit suffered no drop, and continued across the screen, unphased, until it either hit something or you couldn't see it anymore. Just like a sniper round on Halo. This game didn't have death match, instead it had bosses. And Joes stars were so cheap and shitty, they wouldn't injure his worthy foe unless he hit them in their heads. Yes, what I'm saying is Joe Musashi is the original no scope head shooter. Plus, since he didn't use bullets but shitty metal throwing stars, he had to bean the motherfuckers in the head like 50 times to kill them. Joe was a fucked up dude. He wasn't about the one shot one kill. He himself was the one hit wonder with his delicate bone structure, he'd die if he was so much as touched by the wind. And this was intentional with his calcium deficient diet. Instead, bearing this weakness, he wanted to jump around like an asshole scoring as many no scope headshots as he could on fuckers until they dropped dead so he'd look like a total badass. After the events of Shinobi, Joe wasn't satisfied with chucking stars. No. See, stars had multiple points where it was too hard to miss. So then Joe upgraded to throwing knives, because you could fuck up throwing those and they'd bounce off and make you look like a feckless asshole if you didn't throw them right. Joe wasn't satisfied with easy mode. He had to make things harder. So you had revenge of Shinobi, and he's throwing knives. And they're still so shitty he can't hurt nobody unless he hits in them in the noggin!
I'm sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. In Revenge of Shinobi, the boss of the 2nd stage is named Shadow Dancer. The next Shinobi game that came out was called Shadow Dancer. Joe basically kills himself in the previous game. And you're left with Shadow Dancer, a game that is basically a remake of the original Shinobi. Except instead of fighting a lobster at the end, he fights Geico? (yes you can tell by the enemy's gecko logo). Oh, and now Joe has a dog for no reason that he can use to bite people. When people get tired of the dog's shit, they kill it and instead of dying, the dog turns into a baby momentarily. This is a fact.
You've got your 5 basic enemy types: the mindless grunts. the pistoleer shooty guys. The heavy defense guys with shields. Colored ninja. And of course the bosses. You've also got a few variations on enemies. But anyway, these are the same basic enemy types in the original Shinobi. And each enemy has a specific weakness. A lot of people don't seem to be aware Shinboi is kind of like rock, paper, scissors simplified down to range or melee attack. Some enemies you just shoot. Others (like the annoying as fuck ninja), you want to get close enough to melee kill them. Its just like this in the original Shinboi, hence why I claim Shadow Dancer to be a remake.
Last but not least is Joe still has his nimpo which in this game seem to be spaghetti themed. He's got his tornado magic, which looks suspiciously like spaghetti. Meteor, which looks a lot like meatballs. Then he's got fire magic which looks like fire, but fuck it, its red like marinara sauce, so it might as well be spaghetti sauce.
But anyway, what I'm getting at is Sega blew it with these Sega compiliations. If they wanted to go the proper route with Shinobi, they should have made a Shinobi Genesis Collection featuring the 3 Shinobi games they produced for it: Revenge of Shinobi, Shadow Dancer, and Shinobi III. But OF COURSE Sega blew it and put Revenge of Shinobi with Alex Kidd for some god damned dumbass reason.
Completion: if we're talking about beating the game, Shadow Dancer gets tough near the end.
Note: Ok, now this is why I decided to write about Shadow Dancer. See, there's a sort of internet based myth about this game. A little over a decade ago, some poor guy posted on a message board requesting help with the boss of 3-3 because he thought she was hard. Here's the linkhttps://community.eurogamer.net/thread/58194
if you read through that and follow the original poster (avoiding the dumb unhelpful replies), you'll realize his problem with the boss isn't that the boss is hard, but the boss is making his dick hard. Some dude's got the hots for a fictional character
No! Nono! wait! where are you going! come back! follow me here.
So for some reason, the poster went by the name "Grape"
check this out:https://medium.com/@mombot/the-life-of-grape-kun-96a57d4a436...
its the same thing. a real life, flesh and blood penguin, named Grape, lusting after a fictional character. His life is in shambles, his own wife left him to have an affair and his own kid raped his step mom or something. Its got more twists and turns than a korean drama. Now he's in heaven getting served her pancake batter.
But wait! There's more
This dude, Grape, has got an irresistable attraction to "buzzsaw babe", right? Well... There's another ninja game. Its called Ninja Gaiden. Unfortunatley there are like ninetybillion Ninja Gaiden games, so I have to specify one of them: the arcade game. Its the game where ninjas face off against their mortal enemy: Jason Vorhees, and the entire world's population have been replaced with Jason Vorhees clones. And every once in awhile, you fight a dude carrying a giant log. But that's neither here nor there. What's important is when you lose all your lives in Ninja Gaiden, you get a continuation screen:
what you might not believe is this continue screen was censored for North America. In the original Japanese version, when the buzzsaw hits Ryu, he screen goes white instead of red indicating he just nutted all over the place. Buzzsaws get him off so bad. And look, in the continue screen. That rat looking face? Its Touhou's Nazrin. Fucking beady eyed little thieving shit! Do you see what's going on there?! She's known for stealing sought after items! And you know what sought after item she's looking for there (your quarters, I can't believe you). What unbelievable, unspeakable degeneracy.
Can you imagine if Sega ever decided to remake this game? With the ability to insert voices and cutscenes now that they'd do an intro to 3-3's boss that's like
Statue of Liberty Boss: "Nice tanto, I was expecting something a little more intimidating"
Joe: "Its a ninjato you wicked bitch!"
Statue of Liberty Boss: "If that's its full length, its still shorter than your average Asian's"
Joe: "*shouts in made up soup spaghetti (aka ramen) language*"
then they start fuckingImeanfighting. yeah. fight.https://twitter.com/BibLando/status/919309593905209344
I don't know why I wrote this. but here it is anyway. I'm actually worried what people are going to think reading this.
Posted by Archer Spense
on 14 July 18 at 05:58
| Last edited on 14 July 18 at 22:55 | There are no comments on this blog - Please log in to comment on this blog.