I am not okay.
Bit of a odd blog this one, compared to my usual blog.. If you are new to my blog - I usually use it as a platform for tracking my games in progress and completions across the year. I usually give a bit of insight into life as well, but this one - well this one is something different.
A while ago, I started to feel wrong in myself - my now ex took me aside late December and I had a breakdown to her, I spent all day that day just breaking down to her. In January I went to a group where I had my very first panic attack, I was stood behind a building breaking down to my dad over the phone. I spent about an hour just walking in circles trying to calm myself down - I made an appointment the next day to speak to a GP and got a referral for a therapist.
I started therapy, I slowly started a road to recovery - I asked my now ex, if she would move back home for a little bit to try give myself some space, but I couldn't cope without her and had another breakdown - I made another GP appointment and now take Sertraline as well as do therapy. She came back and I slowly started to get better - but I crashed again, I made the difficult decision to break up with her - It's not nice for her coming home to me hardly speaking to her, not being the person I was once, not being who I really am - I'm a imposter in my own skin - and I hate this. I wanted to protect her.
Since the break up, I've not slept in the bed, I'm sleeping downstairs on the setee - its hard to face going to bed, and when I try - I just stay awake, I've been having alexa read bed time stories to try switch off, using calm for some white noise, eating feels like a chore as well - I've even stopped walking to work, I have to cross a busy motorway - I don't trust myself fully, so I get a taxi to work and I get the bus home.
My parents, My sisters have been amazing - doing all they can to keep engaging with me, filling the weekends with stuff to keep me busy and distracted. My neighbours have been very supportive, and overall incredible too, checking in on me and offering to get my shopping. My colleagues at work have been amazing and very supportive of me as well - since I publicly announced there that I'm not ok as well, but work is a good distraction from hating myself - but the weekends are harder. I don't really have friends that I can talk to 24/7 about everything and anything, I don't really have a friend that I can plan a random day out with - I'm just me and that sucks, alot. I struggle to make friends, my ex was my best friend - and I can't talk to her, I hate that alot - I miss her alot and I can't talk to her. I hurt her feelings, I'm a terrible person.
I'm currently struggling to face playing games too, I turn my xbox on and I just sit and stare and it feels like a chore... It shouldn't, I like achievement hunting, I like playing games - and I just cant face doing that anymore - I used to like running, I don't do that anymore either, it feels like a chore, just everything feels like a chore and I'm just overall terrible.
I blame the pandemic for this, I used to be happy, I used to feel really good about everything, I used to love coming home and playing on my xbox, I used to love going out with my running group, I loved coming home to her and the cat - she lit up the room with her smile and when she said shumushy bear it was amazing, I was very happy, optimistic, sarcastic - just a very different person to who I am now.
I think for getting back into games.. I just need to find a game that has story related achievements only and is fun - a few games like this might kick start me - I guess?, I'm looking forward to digimon survive - but thats end of the month.. I am writing a walkthrough for asdivine menace too, but thats taking some doing with my current mindset - but I will get it done..
I'm so ready for my next therapy session, with any luck - she will fix my sleeping, eating and help me to be a better person.
I am not okay, but that's okay.
If you feel any different in yourself, don't let it fester - talk to someone.