Omfamna's Blog - Apr to Jun 12 (86 followers)

PermalinkThe Parent's Days (aka My Story)
Originally I was going to post this yesterday but I didn't want to take away from any of the blogs relating stories of good parents. Hell, to be honest this wasn't anything I had ever planned to post but a few recent events really changed my mind on that.

I have considered sharing this a few times with a couple of people but putting it into words while actively talking to someone all at one time isn't easy. It isn't even easy to write, but I will. Some of you have shared things in comments and while talking to me that it isn't fair that I don't do the same for you.

The other has to do with the person that I know that is staring down a possible cancer diagnosis. I had never shared my story with her, and decided for some reason now would be a good time to share it. We talked for at least an hour probably more. She listened and was amazed at my story and she did what seemed like the strangest thing at the end of our talk. She said "Thank you for sharing that with me".

Those two things really made me rethink keeing things to myself and only saying parts of it. The more I thought about it, the more I felt it was wrong. If I throw out part of a story and not tell enough for people to understand, I think that may be a bit wrong of me. I am sure people would understand especially after reading this, but I have decided to tell it.

So here goes.

I guess I will start with my parents. There are four main types of abuse. Physical, Sexual, Mental and Abandonment. Mom and Dad decided they should hit a grand slam and cover all the bases. My father took the first two and my mother batted clean up.

My father was an alcoholic and when he was drunk he did terrible things. I remember very few things about him but my dread, fear and hatred of him is what I remember the most. Yes, hatred. I hated him so much that he could talk to me and I wouldn't hear a word he said. That was more than enough for another beating.

He wasn't always the Devil in my life, but he was that way so much that it is all I remember. My last memory is of him hitting me hard enough to knock me off my feet and be airborne until I hit a solid object. I had the marks from that one for a few days. Its a terrible way to remember someone.

I am not going to go into any detail on his other abuses, its not something I want to share with anyone, especially like this.

I am the oldest of their children and had it the worst but my sister is a close second. I hated what he had done so much that when he died I wasnt sad, I was kinda vacant inside. I didn't miss him, I was finally free, or so I thought.

My mother turned so hostile towards us after that. She wrote my sister and I off as lost causes and tried to save our brother. Thankfully, he was spared most of what our father had done to us.

For my sister and I, it seemed that her job became reminding us that we were worthless and would be monsters too. She pretty much left us on our own and chimed in to tell us that we were wrong on whatever we chose, that we would fail and at times, stepped in to help us fail. Mother's other gift to us was to forbid us to tall to anyone about what happened, to anyone. We were to lie or make up any story we wanted. Her gift was to make us ashamed of ourselves and I took her abuses the hardest.

Even beyond them we had the deck stacked against us. Our father's family refused to admit that he could do those things so they disowned us.

Many people in our mother's family disliked us because we were poor and a bit uncivilized and very uncultured. We had two aunts and uncles that cared about us. One set cared a little and would remember us at Christmas and another set that remembered us more often. They would be very important later.

For most of my life I was ashamed and did not love myself at all. I had taken all those things and made them who I was. I was a first class mess and truly believed that the world would be better off if I wasn't part of it anymore. I actually felt that I was to blame for what had happened to me. All of it.

It is because of those feelings that I was always one bad incident away from killing myself. To me, I had no value to the world and because of that didn't make lasting friendships. I didn't want to hurt too many people when I finally succeeded in killing myself. It wasn't an if, it was only a when. I knew that is how my life would end one day. I didn't hate anyone that I knew except one person.


One day about 10 years ago, I finally had the last straw. I really wanted to die. I was completely broken and hopeless, and couldn't fathom the idea that anything would ever improve. So I tried to commit suicide for real. I won't go into details, but I almost succeeded that time. If not for someone discovering what I had done before they were supposed to, and they got me to hold on and ultimately, survive.

During those couple hours I fought for my life, I realized so many things. Many of the them were how I was living my life backwards, by not wanting to hurt people, I was. Most importantly was that I needed help if my life was to get better.

So, for the first time in my life, I opened up to someone and let my grief go. After a couple of years I reached the end of my time with her. Much to her surprise, I made it through. While it is weird to have a psychologist tell you that they feared for your safety while in their care, I did appreciate her honesty.

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Part of that process was to let go of what happened and to move on. For me, that meant forgiving the people who transgressed against me. Yes, I forgave my father for what he did. My mother is harder, it is easy to forgive someone who is dead, they can cause no more harm

Just like my father, my mother wasn't all bad. She did cloth us, keep a roof over our head, feed us and to be honest, put up with us. We were a handful at times, and when we weren't a handful, we were two handfuls. It's because of the good that that I still love my mother, just like my father. I learned long ago that I don't really hate either one of them. At this point in life, I feel more sympathy than anything else.

My mother has never apologized or asked for forgiveness for what she did and did not do for us. All she needs to do is ask for it. Instead when we all have family dinners at the holidays, there is an air of tension between my mother and I and my sister too on the rare occasion when she is around. My brother is usually around at these events and unfortunately, it makes him uncomfortable too. It's really sad to be honest.

In the years that have passed many things have changed in my life for the better. I have friends, real ones. Ones that know my life, know me, people who enjoy and value my friendship. I have a niece that loves me like nothing else. I have a good career. I also have other things that eluded me for most of my life.

Love of self and most importantly, hope. Have I done bad things? Of course I have. Is everyday sunshine and roses? Hell no, but even the bad days give way to good ones.

I also truly understand some things. One of them is just how much committing suicide kills part of the people who love you as much as it kills you. I learned that we are never as alone as we may feel that we are. I also came to appreciate just how much it means to touch another person when they have their rough times in life.

Thanks for reading, I really mean it.
Posted by Omfamna on 19 June 12 at 02:34 | There are 14 comments on this blog post - Please log in to comment on this blog.
PermalinkFinal Fantasy and something serious
Finally! We have an RPG for the Phone! Even better is that Squre Enix may bring more of their Final Fantasy, Tactics, Secret of Mana and Chrono Trigger games to us if this one sells well. What does that mean? Who knows, but I bought a copy and love it, bought one for my brother and will give my roommate money to get it too! I seriously want more of them for the phone. I also hope that if it sells ok, other people may notice and join in. Do I really think this will happen? No, but I can dream, can't I?

I hit 2 more milestones tonight, go me!

On to the serious part. I normally don't do this, but I feel the need to do so anyway, so I am. I know someone who could use a prayer or wish for good luck to whatever higher force you may or may not believe in/follow. I think that covers it.

I *HAVE* to be a bit vague so I apologize for that in advance. I know someone who after a second mammogram has to have a biopsy done. Her family has a history of breast cancer and personally I feel for her. Less than a year ago, she watched her sister die from breast cancer and was there with her as she passed. She is strong and putting on the strong face and I give her a ton of credit for it.

I don't pray for help often, I want the prayers I do say to mean something, times like this. If you have any openings in yours, please include her, she has been through quite a bit on this path already.

Thank you, I sincerly mean that.
Posted by Omfamna on 14 June 12 at 03:35 | There are 8 comments on this blog post - Please log in to comment on this blog.
PermalinkContest Reminder

I have 4 guesses on when I will hit my 12,000 achievement milestone. Anyone from anywhere can join. All you need to do is check this spreadsheet:

After checking the spreadsheet, PM any day that hasn't been taken already and I will add you to the list. If you guess the exact date, you get 1600 MS points, otherwise, the closest without going over gets 800 MS points.

Oh, and I finally got 27% completion percentage, almost half way to 30%! clap

I almost forgot, I bought Lollipop Chainsaw and let my roommate play it since I am busy with racing games. The game is a riot! It is utterly ridiulous to the point of being comical. Perfect!

Goodnight everyone.

Oopsie! To anyone that was following my DiRT 3 troubles yesterday. I was playing the game on my Gears of Wars Console (slim) and after some trial and error figured out that only the Rally races would lock up. After gaining 20 achievements (my required amount), I decided to try something out. I loaded the game (not installed) on my Resident Evil console (fat). And guess what? Not a single problem. It seems that it doesn't like the new Xbox.

Picture, picture...

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This is probably another one that will get me in trouble. I was thinking of it because my brother and I had been talking about Danica's mom. Once upon a time she had been looking for forgiveness for things that she had done to Danica and been a bad mommy in general. I let it be known that she had to live up to that expectation for all to be forgiven. Saddly, the story ends there. warning
Posted by Omfamna on 13 June 12 at 03:24 | There is 1 comment on this blog post - Please log in to comment on this blog.
PermalinkLong time, no blog
I apologize, kinda. My heart hasn't been into blogging much lately and rather than post a bunch of crap here, I decided to keep quiet. I have put enough drama and crap here already, so if I can't keep it clean, I'm putting up nothing.

I had a blog written up last week and my phone ate it. cry

First, I need to congratulate MightyMango on winning the first milestone. I hit 11,250 achievements on 28May. He had guessed 25May and LitaOsiris had guessed 31May. Since Lita went over by guessing the later date, Mango won.

I also have another milestone coming up quickly, which is 12,000 achievements. I have guesses from some people and I would like to have everyone's guesses by Wednesday 11:59 PM EST. Here is the speadsheet where stuff is listed:

PM me your guesses and the usual, one person per day and first come, first served. smile

I have been playing more retail games now and that is why my achievement count is shooting up. Which is a great thing since I am way behind on my goal to reach 15,000 achievements by the the end of the year.

Again, I apologize, I really don't have anything else that I want to share at the moment, but I may have something for Sunday. Actually, no I do have an idea on something for Sunday.

Since I usually put a picture in my blog, here is one:

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Posted by Omfamna on 12 June 12 at 02:31 | There are 7 comments on this blog post - Please log in to comment on this blog.
PermalinkDays 170-172 of 5,10&33, Mayhem, Niece and Kinect
Knocked out a bunch of stuff in the last couple of days.

Played Happy Feet Two with my niece on Saturday. For the most part it went well. I feel badly playing "regular" games with her. As usual, we get to a spot that required a little timing and skill and I have to kick her from the game and do it solo. Other than that it was fun. I will revisit this in the second part of my blog.

Saturday night I had a Green Day Rock Band session to play through the game within 12 hours. Danica wasn't happy since it was happening during her usual time with me. I promised her that I would skip my Far Cry 2 session Sunday morning to come over earlier and play more games. The session went well and everyone got what they needed. I will admit that after playing the 47 songs on 4 hours sleep was exhausting.

Sunday morning I tried to play MySims SkyHeroes with Danica. She loves Lego people and the art style is similar. Again, it was too hard for her so she wanted to quit. Last chance was Hasbro Family Game Night 3. We played Life and had a good time.

In other news, I have 1/3 in all those games and managed 5 in Crazy Taxi and Gatling Gears thanks to Van Uden. The only other game I managed was Dragon's Lair. Bleh.

Stat updates since 16May12:

Achievements won: 11,188 (+72)
Completion Percent: 26.18% (+0.16)

Looks like the winner for 11,250 will be MightyMango (25May) or LitaOsiris (31May).

If you want to join the contest, you still can for the other parts. Send me a PM and I can explain.

On to the discussion part...

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The Kinect

Those two words drive such a wedge in the gaming community. Almost as bad as Game Saving.

Usually people like/love it or HATE it. I am part of the love it group. I don't play it very often, but I like playing it.

I usually see the terms "Wii Wannabe" and "Gimmick" thrown around here and elsewhere. Along with things like real games use controllers and hard core games or else.

That mentally saddens me. I am not going to say that everything on Kinect is perfect or awesome. I am going to say that I have an appreciation for it.

Back to my niece. Out of 3 "real" games we played on Saturday, we were able to play 1. Yes, 1. I hate kicking my niece out of a game because she isn't good enough to do it and gives up. That is how children develop an inferiority complex. She has enough issues from her life, she doesn't need more.

The last 3 Kinect games we played were Disneyland Adventures, Sesame Street and The Penguins of Madagascar. I didn't have to remove her from any of those games. We were able to be a team start to finish. That means the world to both of us.

Another thing I think about is gaming by people with disabilities. There is a woman in Georgia (state) who just had a fight with flesh eating bacteria and will lose her hands. I tend to personalize things and think how something like that would affect me. 3 years ago, that would be the end of gaming for me and I would be so sad by that. I saw a video on YouTube about an amputee actually being able to use the Kinect. To me that is incredible, to bring gaming to someone who would be unable to do so is great.

To people like that, and to my niece it is a way to play games when they couldn't do so otherwise. It is easy to look down on things when you have options and when you feel you are "too good" for something and call it a gimmick or something else. For some, it isn't a "gimmick", its the only thing that they have. For that reason, I think it is one of the greatest gaming things ever made.
Posted by Omfamna on 22 May 12 at 14:55 | There are 15 comments on this blog post - Please log in to comment on this blog.