Zenquen's 2010 Preview

By Zach Cooper FBI, 8 years ago
Hello my babies, it's your favourite delusional narcissist, Zenquen! Every once in a while somebody falls asleep (or is mysteriously rendered unconscious by the faint smell of Chloroform) and then I am able to put an article up here and that time has once again come.

It is a new year, many of you are fat from your holiday dinners and are now struggling to get back into the swing of things. Struggling to play the many games you received during the end of 09. Well I am here now to tell you to toughen up and get ready for a serious year of gaming.... welcome to... 2010, or as I will now refer to it as 10!

Because I am such a super guy, I am going to let you know about some of the games that might be heading your way this year that surely Zenquen is going to play. Which you may or may not love because my crystal ball is in the shop and we all know that according to Peter Molyneux his games will be the best anyway.

Mass Effect 2
It is the continuation of this little sci fi series not many people know about. I think you might like it, check it out!

Aliens vs. Predator
I like to think of this game as rock, paper, scissors... except we all know that paper would get completely owned by rock and scissors. Which is basically why you have Predators as the rock, Aliens as the scissors and the boring ole humans as the paper. This game is a first person shooter where you have the opportunity to pick one of three races which all have very unique styles of play.

The Aliens are all about stealth and speed, you climb walls, run fast, jump far and attack with some deadly face to face, to the little face that is inside your face action. The Predators are in many ways also about stealth, but they are also about power. You will hang in the treetops, stalking your prey as your advanced optical camouflage allows you to become practically invisible to the human's silly cow eyes! Bwahaha!

Now I know, you must be feeling kind of down, all this talk about humans getting the short end of the stick. Do not fret my pet, because no matter what, we humans will always do what we do best... Make obnoxiously large guns that will blow a hole straight through any extra terrestrial dumb enough to get in our way. We may not be able to run up walls or turn invisible, but nobody blows things up like we do.

Two Worlds: The Temptation
I will admit to something, the original game of two worlds while at first I found it enjoyable and quaint with its often absurd voice acting and dialogue. Yet over time the many glitches and inconsistencies in the game play truly made me want to throw the mother of all wobblies especially after blowing 70 hours on an achievement I could not obtain due to a simple glitch.

Yet Two Worlds is coming back and its better than ever... apparently, at least that is what the developers are telling people but I am still somewhat sceptical, but if the developers say it is great well then it must be true. From what I have seen of the screenshots it does look like they have worked to make the game more graphically stable and impressive, but overall what remains to be seen is how they truly improve the gameplay.

For those of you who have no idea what I have just been talking about, well Two Worlds is essentially Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, if Oblivion had been made by a bunch of crazy polish people whose references for making fantasy games came from reading books translated from a language that some guy made up in his basement and watching silent films.

BioShock 2
Eh, some weird game about mutated fish or something, I don't think anyone will really play it.

Dante's Inferno
Things are getting a little biblical, up in here... Apparently you go traipsing around hell in this action beat em up which is supposed to be similar to the "God of War" franchise. I don't really watch television but I am sure Fox News has already showed many videos of people who have played this game exploding yellow vans, shooting up schools and burning down churches. Games like these always tend to developed at least a little controversy.

From my perspective what this game's biggest selling point seems to be is just how darn tootin, messed up everything in the game is. The environment, the enemies, your character, the presentation, everything is supposedly designed to make you get the proverbial "eebie jeebies" as you take a violent tour through a group of artist's attempts to make one of the most disturbing worlds imaginable.

For this one I really don't care too much about the gameplay, I really want to play it just to see what kind of twisted creations these people have made and wonder in amazement how much of it they actually showed to the ESRB.

Lost Planet 2
The original Lost Planet is perhaps one of my favorite run and gun games of all time. The grappling hook makes me giddy and just the overall feel of the game is dangeriously enjoyable for me. I love jumping off a cliff and then using my grappling hook at the last moment to snap back on and suprise an opponent with a sticky grenade to the face. Try and sneak up on me? I don't think so!

Lost Planet 2 seems to be taking everything I loved about the first game and tightening it up, making it better and adding more potentially awesome stuff. Basically you run around fighting giant bugs which are now even bigger, you use bigger guns, your probably bigger grappling hook, bigger robot suits and now you can have friends help you in co-op, who after the holidays are also bigger.

Part of the reason I love the games as well, since the grappling hook and vehicles allow for many different ways of getting around, this gives Capcom the chance to make some really varied and unique landscapes for you to play on, there is a lot of verticle gameplay, climbing buildings and scaling cliffs while trying not to fall into gaping chasms. Buy this game and play it with Zenquen, we can be BFFs!

Just Cause 2
Antonio Banderas is back, sorry I mean "Rico Rodriguez." Now he is causing chaos on some islands in southeast Asia and so far things are looking good. It appears like much of the same is returning from the first game but it is has been heavily refined, sharpened, new vehicles, better combat system, more weapons and overall just a tighter feel. One of my favorite screenshots of the game shows an enemy streaking across the sky as he is towed a few meters behind a flying gas canister. Check it out, or Edios will have a big frowny face and you wouldn't want that would you?

Final Fantasy XIII
Something about Yellow birds, I don't know... I think it might be an RPG... anyway, next...

Quantum Theory
Have you ever sat around on a Sunday afternoon, staring at your console and with all your mental power tried to imagine what Gears of War would have been like if it were made by the Japanese? Well I have, and then after violently mashing my copies of Gears of War and Devil May Cry 4 together and succeeding in only cutting my hands open and needing new copies of my games I found out about this game.

The art style from what I can tell really reminds me of Gears of War but given a big dose of Anime, yet the male characters still seem to work out at the same gym as Marcus Phoenix. As far as I can tell the gameplay will be in many ways similar to gears of war but from screenshots I believe they are also trying to do things to really update the whole "shoot from cover" genre of game. As well one of things the developers seem to be excited about is how the environments will often be changing and evolving which will really keep you on your toes. So I guess you should play the game or risk not properly exercising your toes.

Alan Wake
Scheduled for a release date somewhere around the same time as Duke Nukem Forever, Alan Wake has been one of my most anticipated games for a while. My impression of the game is rather foggy, what I get from it I would say Silent Hill with more GTA inspired gameplay? I don't know, I don't think anyone knows, but what I do know is that whatever the game is, I know I want to play it.

Iron Man 2
Iron Man 2, I don't know if it is going to be a fantastic game, but I brought it to your attention because of my nerd crush for Iron Man and my man crush for Robert Downey Jr... don't you judge me!

Fallout: New Vegas
Basically Fallout 3.5... not a direct sequel, but more of that Fallout 3 goodness you know and love. Set closer around Las Vegas, from what I can find not much is known about this baby quite yet but I am sure many people will do gymnastics in order to curtail the massive amount of excitement that will be building over the next year.

Max Payne 3
Max Payne's furious constipation seems to have finally won and caused him to become old, bald and grumpier than ever. 12 years after Max Payne 2, Max is now kicking it around Brazil. Of course somebody has to ruin his daisies and he is off shooting things again. He really does seem to have the worst luck of any videogame character, he probably lives inside a black cat, under a giant ladder and all his furniture is made of mirrors.

I was a huge, giant, enormous, colossal, rather large fan of the Splatterhouse series of games. Rick and his quest to kill a bunch of stuff in hopes of saving his love. The first game especially had some of what I consider to still be the best music in gaming and after all this time it looks like the game is being revived. Unfortunately many of the old school Splatterhouse fans, myself included don't necessarily approve of the direction the game has taken, but still I am hopeful it will turn out to be a good game. Even if it does not live up to my fan boyish expectations it will turn out to be a pretty crazy beat the crap out of anything that moves game.

The Splatterhouse series was one of the first set of games to make people question if video game violence and disturbing images turn your children into murderers. What kind of game is it you may ask? Well I will leave you with one image... an enemy cuts off your arm but instead of having a big cry about it you grab your arm and use it as a club to beat down more foes... Basically ultra violent, brutal images that take place in and around a haunted mansion.

Halo: Reach
Halo? I don't think anyone will be interested...

Star Wars: Force Unleashed 2
I really enjoyed the first game, the ability to fling things around with the force really appealed to me. I don't know too much about the game but more of the same isn't such a problem for me.

Dead Rising 2
So, this Chuck Greene guy thinks he can fill Frank West's shoes? Has he Covered Wars? I don't think so! Either way, another Dead Rising game will soon be upon us. Allowing us to mow down zombies in a Las Vegas setting. (Jeeze Vegas is popular lately.)The photography element has been removed but much of the goodness from the old game has returned and should be better than ever. Also a zombie slaying multiplayer extravaganza is in the works where you can compete to be the best zombie slayer of them all!

Dead Space 2
Oh Isaac baby, your head stomping makes Mario look like an Amateur. I really can't say what direction the game is taking, but from what plot details I have overheard it sounds like the sequel has a lot of potential, things don't exactly get better for Isaac after escaping the Ishimura.

I really don't know as much about this game as I would like, the plotline sounds nifty though, you play the daughter of the grim reaper and have to save your dad and the rest of the world from a crazy necromancer who has too much power. Unless you can read German it is tricky to find info on the game but what more do you need to know about an action RPG where you play as the grim reaper's daughter. Such a premise has to be awesome, right?

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow
Looks like Konami is trying to reboot Castlevania, which may or may not be a good thing. I personally enjoy the retro Castlevania games more than the recent ones, Castlevania 3 being my favourite in the series. Yet now they are taking inspiration from the old games to make a new 3d reboot of the series which they have faintly attached Hideo Kojima... which will mean many people will buy it and praise it regardless of how good or bad it is. Although I can't say for sure how good the game will be, it seems to have a great voice acting cast, I mean how can you go wrong with Patrick Stewart, a man who has seen it all.

Deus Ex 3
The Original Deus Ex game is considered by many to still be one of the greatest experiences one can have. The sequel not so much but maybe the third one will be the stuff of legend... good legends I hope. Deus Ex was really one of the first cinematic FPS experiences which truly made RPG elements a strong focus. I remember it having branching paths and many different endings. It was a fantastic game overall yet its complexity and difficulty turned many off. It still has some of my favourite gaming quotes of all time.

Beyond Good and Evil 2
I remember back in the days when people actually read videogame magazines more than the internet for gaming news. Beyond Good and Evil was every critics game that they loved so much, they made their husband or wife sleep on the couch so there would be more room for the game in their bed. Now it looks as if a sequel to the game that ruined so many marriages is coming! Many of the characters are returning (with or without their original voice actors) and I am sure many people are digging out their old copies with unhealthy excitement to play this game.

The game was a third person action adventure, praised for its amazing story, varied game play and really solid feel. I personally enjoyed the game and I am excited to see how they are going to follow the series up, seven years later, especially if it makes me abandon my girlfriend.

Dust 514
Made buy the same guys who made the gigantic time sink, EVE Online, this is a FPSMMO which will also directly affect what happens for people in the Eve Online game. This sounds quite exciting! I must admit, the idea that my blowing stuff up, can somehow change what happens for people on the internet who are flying their space ships around with their "pew pew pews" really has me bouncing with anticipation. I don't know much about the game play but the concept is neat.

Oh Huxley, whatever became of the game that I had hoped, would be one of the most amazing games ever. In early stages the game appeared to basically be a Massively multiplayer online first person shooter role playing game that looked like a tribute to Star Craft. Yeah I made you read all that instead of saying MMOFPSRPG, tough! Anyway, who wouldn't love a game evoking Star Craft themes yet allowing you to blow things up from a first person perspective, pilot vehicles and gain EXP? Well apparently a lot of people since the reaction to the game has been rather mixed, but since all this action takes place using something similar to the unreal tournament engine... I just can't imagine not having fun with it. So I want to play it, just to see if it is possible to ruin such an awesome concept.

Hydrophobia is an episodic series which is set to be released exclusively on X-box Live... (originally it was supposed to be a multiplatform retail release, so that is something to ponder.) The reason I am excited for this game is simple, water. The game revolves around the manipulation of and survival in, an environment where water is one of your tools and one of your biggest enemies. Running a physics engine specifically created to make water act in a realistic fashion in a game world. I can imagine the developers will have thought of many unique and interesting gameplay experiences and challenges. Especially when the game takes place on a sinking ship. (lots of water there...)

Kingdom under fire II
Well looks like Kingdom Under Fire is back and it would seem they are ditching the mainly hack and slash Element of the last game and going back to the roots of an RTS game. Continuing the story of Circle of Doom (which after playing I really have no idea what the story is.) The developers have also claimed that they will have a special MMO online mode to accompany the single player, but no one really knows what the means which I think is fitting for the series.

Postal III
Postal is perhaps one of the most immature, insane and ridiculous game series I can think of. Something from the age of games where we flipped the bird to congressmen who said games were too violent, then peed on their faces and threw a flaming cat at them before going off looking into a gunfight with Gary Coleman. Well hopefully that age is returning with this now third person inappropriate violent humour extravaganza! Plus if the allure of inappropriate violence is not enough for you, you will probably get a chance to shoot at Uwe Boll, who wouldn't want to do that?

Sonic & Sega All Stars Racing
I don't really know why sonic needs a vehicle in this Sega themed "Kart Racer" but Sega has been doing a lot of crazy things lately (and that is why I love them so dearly!) Ever since the rumours of Segata Sanshiro being a playable character who rides a Sega Saturn I have not been able to take my eyes off it. It is games like this with an odd sense of humour and ridiculous game play that really appeals to me, since each character has a superstar mode which really makes the game play all the more insane and for a moment gives them a powerful advantage over other racers. I have no idea what Ryo Hazuki, from Shenmue fame will have as a superstar power, but I hope it involves sailors.

Front Mission Evolved
The Front Mission series has been a favourite for Giant Robot Tactical RPG action. Yet according to wikipedia (I went all out on my research for this one.) It will be more of an action oriented game. But once I stopped being lazy and realized just because I'm nearing the end of the article it doesn't mean I can go off into la la land while this baby writes itself I checked out the official site and it looks like the game has some potential, seems you won't just be riding around in giant robots this time, you will have time outside of your robot. So who knows what can happen, the graphics also look really interesting and done well for this kind of game so check this one out.

Fist of the North Star
Now, I am not quite sure what the official title is going to be, the current Japanese one appears to be something like Hokuto Musou... This game is being made by Tecmo Koei, essentially the folks who make dynasty warriors. Now I am not going to tell you about the gameplay or how it may revolutionize the dynasty warriors series, that is not why I am writing these paragraphs. What I want to tell you is this may be the manliest game to ever appear on the 360.

If you don't know Fist of the North Star is a series about men of epic manliness, men who sweat enough testosterone in a single workout to kill 20 elephants. They wouldn't ride horses, they pack them around on their bulging biceps to show how manly and intense they are. Sure they punch holes through each other but that doesn't phase most of them, they just fill those holes with more muscles and keep fighting. These are guys who when they are alone probably punch themselves because there is not enough punching going on otherwise. You will gain 20 pounds of muscle and probably become hairier just from playing this game. Basically is a game filled with men who wish they were as sexy and manly as Zenquen. You have to play this game!

Fable 3
So here we are, the final game on this 2010 preview extravaganza... I personally haven't read anything about the game, but that doesn't stop Peter Molyneux when he gives his press releases. Although using my imagination I am going to tell you that it is going to be an amazing game. It will work with Natal but not in a way many people expect. Using the black arts natal will summon the energies of the universe and from nothingness give birth to your Fable 3 Hero! Think of the movie Weird Science but instead of your hero having the power to grant wishes and alter reality, you will have to be a guide for your hero as the two of you venture off into the real world, questing and searching for loot.

Sure the game comes with added costs, your hero will have to live with you, you will have to feed it, teach it how to live in society but the levels of interaction and detail will be astonishing. Over time your hero will get stronger and wiser, just in time as well since Natal will begin summoning dragons, monsters and demons that you and your hero will have to combat or the world will fall to shadow. Will you teach your hero to be a noble, pure hearted soul, or an evil tormentor who will likely murder you in your sleep. The choice is yours? Personally I am just going to make a bunch of hot sexy lady heroes to help me fight crime but that is for another time.

I would continue on further but I can hear banging on the doors and I am not sure how long I can stop the rest of the newshounds from getting in, so I will have to quickly publish this baby and sneak out the window. I want to close by saying since none of these games are actually out yet, who knows how they could turn out, or some of them might not turn out at all. As always I love Peter Molyneux and I have been loving his games ever since he helped make theme park back in the day. I bid all my beautiful babies a goodnight and I hope you all enjoy whatever games you are playing. Now I must take my manliness into the night! In the name of love, justice and other good stuff, Zenquen is off!