TA Top Five: Super Bowl Edition

By Jonathan Barnes,
Happy Super Bowl Sunday, everyone!

Today is the big day for fans of American football, commercials, ridiculously tasty (i.e. not healthy) food - especially at Chez Barnes - , and spectacle in general. No annual television event brings in as many eyes as the Super Bowl and, if Las Vegas is right, tonight's game should be one of the best in years.

While sitting around the Newshound Secret Volcano Lair this week, we were trying to come up with a good theme for this week's Top Five when, like a divine blast of inspiration, Senior Spice pulled his head away from his indie games and said, "What about a fantasy team made of game characters?" All the rest of us could do was chew on our lunches and silently nod at this stroke of mad genius. The only parameters for this list were that the character should be someone that either sides with the player or that the player controls... give up your fantasies of a BioShock Infinite (Xbox 360) Achievements Handyman playing Middle Linebacker here and that the character should primarily be known for video games, so no Batman... because Batman just wouldn't be fair.

Honorable Mentions

Press Corp Members - Alan Wake Achievements & Frank West - Dead Rising (Xbox 360) Achievements
Every good game needs some press coverage, right? Alan would be a great wordsmith and Frank would catch the game in all of its glory.

Head Coach - GLaDOS - Portal
GLaDOS may not be the obvious choice, but everyone knows "she" would do anything and everything it takes to win; come up with crazy plays that no one has ever seen before, insult players on both teams for motivation/morale crushing, record and analyze the other team's practices, nerve gas those that underperform, speak in a deadly serious monotone.

...oh my science... BILL BELICHICK IS GLaDOS!!!

The Iron Bull - Dragon Age: Inquisition Achievements

The most recent entry onto this list, The Iron Bull has almost everything you'd want in an end-rushing Defensive Lineman in the NFL. He's big, he's strong, he's fast, he oozes loyalty, and (possibly most importantly) you know he'd have an amazing sack dance. Also, he's got horns, scars, and would probably cause an Offensive Lineman to soil himself at least once per quarter.

Master Chief - Halo

Having John on this list is almost cheating. Even stripped of his MJOLNIR armor and without Cortana in his head, Master Chief would still be so big, strong, and fast that he'd make Rob Gronkowski look like Rudy. Put number 117 in at Tight End and let him run slants and post routes all day long. No one could stop him.

Top Five

5. John Marston - Red Dead Redemption Achievements
September 7th

This pick may be out of left field, but with his Dead Eye Targeting, he could slow down the football game to a point where he would be the perfect Quarterback, surgically slicing apart defenses and hitting every receiver in stride. Unfortunately, kind of like Tom Brady, he isn't that fleet of foot, so you'd need a good Offensive Line to protect him... which brings us to the next pick.

4. E. Honda - Street Fighter
E. Honda

Here is your Offensive Lineman. More than just being a "big fat guy who stops others from getting the Quarterback", Offensive Lineman need to be nimble on their feet, quick, have great hands, and the ability to fight off guys who are just as strong and (probably) faster. It may be the easy way out to pick a sumo wrestler for this role, but if the shoe fits, right? The only downside to this pick is that he may get penalized for "Hands to the Face" on almost every play.

3. Corvo Attano - Dishonored Achievements

For tonight's game, a good portion of the fans will be comparing the play of Cornerbacks Darrelle Revis and Richard Sherman, two of the best defensive cover guys in football.

Both of them would stink compared to Corvo.

Look at what Corvo can do: he can use Dark Vision to see exactly where everyone is looking on the field (great for reading Quarterbacks), he can jump really high (especially with the aid of his Blink power), AND he can slow down or stop time if he somehow fell behind the wide receiver. Basically, Corvo was genetically engineered in a lab to be the perfect pass defender. Even Deion would be impressed.

2. Asura - Asura's Wrath Achievements
Easter Egg 5

This may be a bit of a cheap choice, but let's be honest, who WOULDN'T want an angry god with six arms and the ability to get HUGE on their Defensive Line. Seriously, this guy is so angry and strong that he would make J.J. Watt look like a kitty cat. The only downside is that he'd probably get flagged for "Roughing the Planet Passer" on every play and it would make him a liability bigger than Ndamukong Suh. This paves the was for our #1 choice.

1. Augustus "Cole Train" Cole - Gears of War
10/6/11 Thrashball Cole

This might be a bit too easy and I shall gladly absorb your slings and arrows of outrageous dissent for taking the obvious choice, but... c'mon he's the frickin' COLE TRAIN! He's big, he's strong, he's fast, he left a lucrative career as an All-Pro Thrashball player to be a Gear and fight to save his planet. While other characters on this list could adapt their skills to serve the game of football, Cole took his "football" skills and adapted them to help save the planet. He could play Fullback on my team anytime.

Clearly, there are a ton of great choices in games that would make a successful transition to the game of (American) football. Who's on your team?

The TA Team will be bringing you The TA Top Five every Sunday until we run out of coolness to debate and discuss. If you have an idea for a Top Five you'd like us to do, be sure to let us know in the comments!
Jonathan Barnes
Written by Jonathan Barnes
Jonathan has been a news/views contributor since 2010. When he's not writing reviews, features, and opinion pieces, he spends his days working as an informal science educator and his nights as an international man of mystery.
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