Activision Threatens to Buy Out EA

By Jonathan Barnes, 7 years ago
In a shocking development, Activision President and CEO Bobby Kotick threatened to buy out Electronic Arts. In a statement released today, April 1st, Kotick was quoted as saying:

I have an immense respect for EA’s Online Pass program and, rather than copy it, I’ve decided that it’s in Activision’s best interest to simply buy the entire publisher and form what I’m calling “Axis Entertainment” which will dominate the globe for the next 100 years.
Such news came as a shock to EA’s CEO, John Riccitiello who had heard nothing of the deal:

I don’t know what (Kotick) is thinking. Activision could never buy out EA. In fact, we’re planning on buying out Activision! I’ve always admired the way that they can milk every last cent out of a franchise then discard the crippled, anemic shell into a darkened abyss.
This back and forth, while highly entertaining, is no doubt a publicity stunt to whet gamers appetites for the real event. As revealed at 12:01 AM, EDT on today, April 1st, the two CEOs are scheduled to put everything on the line in a steel cage match at this weekend’s Wrestlemania XXVII. WWE’s Vince McMahon has dubbed the match “The Slaughter in Silicon Valley” and is excited to see the two titans of industry stepping into the steel cage this weekend:

Kotick’s one mean son-of-a-bitch! Did you see what that guy did to Guitar Hero!? He’s liable to bring brass knuckles and the withered remains of the Tony Hawk franchise with him into the cage. On the other hand, if you look across the aisle at Riccitiello, he’s scrappy. I mean this guy had the balls to steal the brains of Infinity Ward right out from under Kotick’s nose. This is going to be a war. I expect to see blood.
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In one more shocking revelation, it has been revealed that Cliff Bleszinski, the Design Director at Epic Games will be serving as the special guest referee. CliffyB weighed in with one final comment:

If Fox News thought Bulletstorm was violent, they definitely should NOT check out this weekend’s “The Slaughter in Silicon Valley”. I’ll also be live tweeting during the match so let me know who you want to win!
Jonathan Barnes
Written by Jonathan Barnes
Jonathan has been a news/views contributor since 2010. When he's not writing reviews, features, and opinion pieces, he spends his days working as an informal science educator and his nights as an international man of mystery.