What if Peter Molyneux had made...

By Zach Cooper FBI, 9 years ago
Peter Molyneux has made some pretty snazzy games in his time. Some of my favourites have been Theme Park, Black & White, and of course the Fable series. Throughout his career, Mr. Molyneux has developed a bit of a reputation of possibly getting a bit ahead of himself while expressing to people the passion focused around the games he is developing. So I thought, "What would happen if good ole Peter Molyneux promoted some of the most influential games through history?"

Peter Molyneux: Truly the game I came to this planet to create. An epic saga of two warring kingdoms, constantly locked in an dramatic struggle for dominance. You play a mysterious lone soldier trapped between the two factions, constantly being swept back and forth by the tides of war. But depending on the choices you make the world will never be the same: you can rise up and fight for the people in your quest to overthrow the tyranny of the two kingdoms as a noble knight; while some of you will choose to take the low road, becoming evil warlords who profit over strife. One of the most interesting features would be what happens when you decide to just up and leave the continent, blowing past either kingdom you then set out to explore a rich world all on your own, to make your own story! Truly this game will set the new standard for story telling while also running at a constant 60 frames per second despite the massive amount of detail we have put into the varied environments and sweeping landscapes.

Peter Molyneux: Well you see, Mario will revolutionize gaming not only through its cutting edge game play but the emotional and moral dilemmas you will have to make during the experience. You play a blue collar man, a simple man, an everyman, just like you or me. Mario's fiancé has been kidnapped by a great evil and he must now journey to the strange land of Mushroom Kingdom to rescue her. Immediately upon your arrival you are faced with a moral dilemma, in order to save your "princess" you will have to take the lives of the native inhabitants in this world. Mercilessly stomping on their heads, shattering their spines, leaving them for dead or worse, all to save one woman? Does the life of one really outweigh the lives of so many innocents, can you make that call?

Mushroom Kingdom is truly a world wrought with complex morality issues. Even if you choose to be noble and venture forth through the game without taking the lives of the goombas and koopas, then of course there are other temptations in the world. By temptations of course I mean... drugs. You see, in Mushroom Kingdom there is an abundance of performance enhancing mushrooms as well as "dust" which makes Mario feel invincible, but we all know how that comes to pass. How will your princess react when she finally is reunited with her beloved Mario, only to find he has since become a ruthless drug addict? You will have to play to find out.

Another of our new features is the Dinosaur. A friendly green companion who will accompany you through your journey and add another level of emotional depth to the story. we can all relate to the bond we feel between man and beast, fond memories of growing up with our beloved Fido. Mario takes that one step further, now it is man and dinosaur, Mario and Yoshi, forming new emotional bonds which never had the chance to come to fruition in real life. Truly after playing Mario you will look at your friends and loved ones and curse fate as to why they can't all be dinosaurs.

Peter Molyneux: Inside all of us exists the desire to explore the unknown, to see fanciful new worlds and become a hero. Zelda will let you do just that. You play a charming young hero who does not speak, you see... this is one of our main features. Since the main character has no actual dialogue you are able to insert your own, simply by talking at your television set in place of your hero's dialogue, you can have limitless interactions with the game's characters and truly be in control of how the story unfolds.

As well your actions in the game have a distinct and direct effect on the way the game world itself develops. Say you eat an apple, then throw the apple core on the ground, depending on weather and environmental conditions that apple core may eventually take root and become an apple tree. Which could potentially result in a weary traveler stopping by the tree and eating an apple from the tree. The Traveler seeing that the location is fertile, resourceful with apples, and a nearby river decides to set up camp next to the tree. The small camp could eventually grow into a small outpost.

Then one day you return to where you threw the apple and you happen upon this quaint little outpost, so inspired by it you decide that you will spend all your hard earned rupees at this outpost's shop and do all your trading there exclusively. Depending on what you have said to your television your hero may be a great adventurer who is constantly looking to do business. With your Economic support the outpost will eventually grow into a small town, which as it attracts more residents could become a small city and if the conditions are right and luck is on these people's side the city could become a great empire. But we are Lion head, so we took it further. Perhaps a war breaks out between different nations, your empire becomes embroiled in the conflict. But with your past economic support and the many treasures you had contributed to the empire, they are victorious.

The Empire becoming the most powerful in the land gains great wealth and power which leads to many great societal and technological advancements until eventually it grows to the point where Space Flight becomes possible and the empire you had indirectly started begins extending its reach to the stars above. Where you encounter alien life forms who are so impressed by the empire's sophisticated society that they wish to be part of it. Eventually the empire encompasses the entire universe as all races are united in peace and prosperity until finally the people of the empire evolve into beings made not of flesh and bone but energy and light. Giving them the ability to move through time and space, visiting multiple dimensions spreading joy and wonder through all existence.

Metal Gear Solid V
Peter Molyneux: Many feel that Metal Gear has become stale as of late, more of an interactive movie rather than a true game, but now you may rejoice as I am here to work my magic! Metal Gear Solid V will be the first game in the series and truly the first game in the history of gaming to directly change the world you live in. The disk that MGSV will be printed on consists of a special compound that produces some rather interesting consequences for failing objectives in the game. Fail to escape the nerve gas attack in the third chapter, solid snake dies which tells your console to beam a special frequency laser onto the disk. This laser causes the molecular structure of the disk to destabilize and the disk itself will actually evaporate. Filling your house with a deadly nerve gas which will kill you and your family in the same slow and painful manner you had just witnessed solid snake and other characters in the game experience.

Furthermore the disk is also comprised of a special high explosive compound which has the equivalent destructive capacity as a large c4 satchel charge. If you happen to fail any of the bomb defusing segments in the game the disk will explode probably killing you as well as causing great collateral damage to the surrounding area. Never has a player been so emotionally invested in the success of his characters objective until MGSV. We have also hired a team of unscrupulous mercenaries who are on constant standby. If you allow Solid Snake to be captured in the game, these mercenaries will storm into your house dressed like the soldiers in the game and violently beat you unconscious. When you awake you will be in a small cramped cell somewhere underground where your only friend will be a rat named Felipe who gnaws on your toes as you try to catch a few minutes of sleep before your next torture session where the mercenaries try to extract the information you are withholding about the current iteration of the Metal Gear project.

Now I know I wasn't supposed to talk about this last one and I am going to be in a bit of trouble for spilling the beans early but I just can't keep it a secret! Due to our increased production budget after the success of our Zelda game, we have been able to purchase a highly destructive, fully functional, nuclear WMD off of the global black market. Don't ask me how, but that is just the dedication we as game makers feel towards making the best game we possibly can. Ultimately if players are unsuccessful in completing the main objective of MGSV we will detonate the WMD at a predetermined target which will reflect the events of the game. With the special edition of MGSV we will also be providing MGSV themed radiation suits, so pre-order now!

Grand Theft Auto V
Peter Molyneux: Grand Theft Auto, a series known for its go anywhere, do anything mentality has been taken to new levels which will allow players such realism and such control... I dare say that by going outside you would be experiencing an inferior representation of reality. The game which takes place in real time begins with your birth. In the very first stages of game play you will be involved in exciting activities such as battling other sperm in a race for the Ovum, Mitosis Mayhem and further down the line kicking your mother in the abdomen and preventing your umbilical cord from wrapping around your neck!

In the infancy stage of game play you will have no control of your gender, you will be born either male, female or possibly even a Hermaphrodite. Your race and country of birth will also reflect real world statistics and population growth The game will start off quite differently if you are born in the United States contrasted with Ethiopia. During this phase you will find controlling your character will be awkward and difficult at times due to your character's nervous system and motor functions still being in the developmental stages. As well if your character is born blind, deaf or suffers some other disability through their life it will be reflected in the game, your screen will be dark and fuzzy, your sound nonexistent as well as many other exciting features.

Childhood will begin producing new challenges for the gamer while introducing new rewards. Gaining skills like "Walking" will allow your character much greater mobility in exploring the game world, which truly begins to open up the free roaming aspect of GTA, the do anything you want feel of the game. Continue to live out your childhood or run away from home, steal a car, shoot some cops, hire prostitutes and then murder them after services rendered. This classic GTA activity plus any other your imagination can come up with as long as your character as the capabilities to perform them.

This progression will continue through your character's life, as you gain skills and experience, new game play features and abilities will become more accessible to you. To keep things fresh as well we have added many random game play instances, such as Cancer! Each character has a chance of developing any number of diseases or health conditions as they develop which can really alter the way you play the game, depending on how quickly you seek treatment you may be cured or your character may spend the rest of the game writing in agony in a hospital bed as their character's body is attacked by its ailments.

While I am running out of time I have been reminded that I must take my medication. Before I depart, I need to mention the astounding multiplayer aspect of the game. While the game has billions of unique NPCs all with their own lives, personality traits and histories. Many of them will be actual players just as yourself! While the NPCs are capable of performing and mimicking any of the actions a Human player may display. Nothing beats teaming up with your mates to tackle any of the game's infinite challenges. Now you and your friends can truly live out your fantasies of attacking old ladies while humming a pleasant Beethoven symphony. Performing a drive by punch in the face to virtual Steven Segal as you do lines of coke off the chest of a moderately attractive stripper. Or even have your character play World of Warcraft and marvel at how your character levels up its character in Azeroth!

Well there you have it, and just to prevent any confusion, Peter Molyneux I really think you are awesome so please don't come to my house and try to kick my ass. You know buns of steel? I have buns of adamantium, except my buns make adamantium look like butter. So trying to kick it would result in a broken foot. But I have to say while my ass is both an unstoppable force and immovable object, it is damn sexy and while it would shatter a man's kicking foot. The mere sight of my fantastic derriere is enough to instantly enslave you to my beautiful Buttocks. A gentle squeeze would forever ruin your sensation of touch since feeling most anything else would simply pale in comparison.

And on that note my grand true achievers, I bid you adieu.