The Burning Xbox

By Avata, 7 years ago
I powered on my Xbox today to find a message waiting for me from a player whose gamertag was simply God. He told me to deliver this message to all developers and publishers in reference to their mistreatment of the Achievement. The message went as follows*:

Thou shalt not be unobtainable - This should be considered the golden rule and adhered to above all others. Period.

Thou shalt not be boostable - Achievements aren’t worth the gamercard they’re written on if anyone can get them [false idols]. Follow my rules and the players won’t have to.

Thou shalt not take the name achievement in vain - An achievement should be an ACHIEVEMENT. The so-called ‘Underachievement’ is hereby banished. If you don’t know the meaning of a word, look it up.

Thou shalt not be ridiculous - Don’t try to artificially inflate your online statistics by way of the players’ masochism. If you build a fun game, they will play it. Time is a valuable commodity. Call me old fashioned, but at least one day a week should be sacred… wink

Honor other gamers - Achievements shouldn’t negatively alter the experience of others. That donkey hiding in the corner for the entire round who only goes for headshots isn’t helping anyone.

Thou shalt not kill... servers - If you don’t want to play by XBL’s rules, but you still want XBL’s customers, then provide a comparable service. Don’t turn your servers off! If you won’t leave your servers up, then at least provide for system link. Not mEntioning any nAmes…

Thou shalt not commit adultery - Share the love! Achievements should be AVAILABLE to all, and not controlled by the few. Hoarding belt holders, hacked leaderboards, and absentee moderators do not happy gamers make.

Thou shalt not steal - If a player fulfills the requirement, give them the achievement! Don’t glitch. Don’t reset their progress. Don’t make them do it over. Seriously!

Thou shalt not bear false witness - Don’t tell players they need X number of experience points and then move the goal posts down the line by offering ridiculous XP events, because you didn’t think it through to begin with. One can only imagine what the 4 players who got Veteran Gear in Gears of War 2 legit think of the ‘Hokey-Pokey Vets’ [Avata, this means YOU].

Thou shalt not covet other achievements - Awarding an achievement for having every achievement is impossible, since by definition it would require unlocking itself. Leave the paradoxes to me.

*The views expressed herein are those of God and therefore probably do represent every gamer, bot, AI, NPC, Aperture Science (including its subsidiaries) and humanity in general.